Dear Lady. Ann:
My message will be long because my life has been in the same circle.
1. I am the only born again in my family. I have been trusting God for the salvation of my family. They gave their lives to Christ as I have led them to salvation prayer and also my two sisters came visiting me and went to my church too and my younger brother.
2. Our education seems like it has been a pattern. No one has graduated in a family of 8 siblings. My late sister, her book was stolen by a friend she was assisting with Maths. Then the lady confused what she did. My sister never finished her matric. Instead she had children.
3. When I moved to another province to do my high school, my subjects were changed. My aunt told me the subjects I was doing were difficult whereas I have been doing since.
I received much distractions when I was doing my matric. I passed with lower grades which I was surprised that I passed. I didn’t finish college, I am failing things that I know. Where I felt I did well and the efforts I have put I fail dismally. Believe me, I am smart and I can feel it in my bones though this doesn’t become real. It turned out to be something.
5. In my family nothing we start and it gets completed, even the building of a mere house building. Years back a round level took 5 years plus to finish. I remember when I was a child assisting my dad to fetch water to build that house. One of the family old lady said the house won’t finish while she’s still alive.
6. Now we were building at home but it takes more than expected since 2016. The house is not yet done, no roofing, nothing.
7. I am still a virgin, however I dream either someone attempts to sleep with me, however they dont get to penetrate but I feel the orgasim or the excitement feeling. I don’t know what it is, or feeling other people having sex.
8. In short I know I am not where I am supposed to be. I used to have dreams where I run but I don’t move forward with the same speed and determination I have instead it’s like I am moving backward.
9. Also I fell into the pit. I dated a guy I think he was sent by the devil . We never slept together but he attempted. He once hugged me like he is taking energy from me like pulling out something. I think he was sent by the enemy. God warned me about the guy while I was praying. My friend warned me. My fellow sisters and parents did warn me in my dreams but I didn’t listen. It seemed hard. I think I only got the courage late when it was late. Then I was jobless for two years and half. Which I think he was the cause of. Though we were friends for 7 months. Maybe dated 3 months in those 7 months.
When he was still my friend telling him I can’t date him he said we belong together. Even if I may leave but I will come back no matter how long it is, be it 10 years, I will come back. I rebuked that. I never saw him as a husband even if he could be safe for that matter. What kept me around him, heavens knows why, because I don’t know. As I never liked him that way.
He once took my jacket and when I was demanding it he said do I think he is going to bewitch me because I’m already bewitched . This was the time I was showing signs of leaving him.
Another thing is I used to feel like if I leave him he was going to kill me. And we never stayed far from each other. Yes there will always be that fear that he might do something bad if I leave him. Or was it maybe he once told me he has a gun. This is one of the involvement that I am retreating more than the heart break I have experienced. There is a lot I need to talk about. I want to save so I can book one on one session with you.
God bless